You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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