Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize