I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
