I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I cannot find my penis.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
