I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
