Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
