so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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