i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think my moral compass just broke
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
