my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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