she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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