Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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