Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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