Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize