I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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