Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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