Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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