Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize