My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
