i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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