After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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