I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
