After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
