somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
no. you can't hotbox the world.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So squirting runs in the family.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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