I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
