my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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