I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
