That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
