I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
