I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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