Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
