Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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