Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
