I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
