Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
How external is "for external use only"?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
