What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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