It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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