I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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