My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
