this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
