two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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