just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
