I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
