Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
