He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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