I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
