matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize