It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
