You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
