Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
