I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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