does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
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