I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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