im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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