Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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