Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
