I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
