Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize