so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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