It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
