The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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