I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
