I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
