is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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