I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
