i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
