Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
