I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
