Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
