the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
