when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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